


to have and to hold

by muppetstiefel



Series: nothing new about this rage [4]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Allison and Ben-centric, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Weddings, because I love their relationship and wanted to explore it, we only see each other at weddings and funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 12:52:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18469360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muppetstiefel/pseuds/muppetstiefel
Summary: "For the first time since his final death, Ben Hargreeves has a plan and a purpose. And it’s going to make a difference."In which Ben attends Allison's wedding.





	to have and to hold

There are lots of things they don’t tell you about ghosts.

Ben always assumed being a ghost would be scary. But really, its mundane. There’s no haunted houses, no communes with the dead and the one person who can see him doesn’t find him scary in the slightest.

He also thought being a ghost would be interesting. As a child he used to watch people pass by beneath his bedroom window, imagine the lives they were walking home to. When he first died, Ben wandered all over town, following people on buses and trams and running alongside bicycles. But really, witnessing over people’s lives that close were just sad. The ones who were happy, who went home to lovers, children, good food and a future just made him mad. And the ones whose lives were smeared with bad things just made him sadder.

Ben realises, quite quickly into his venture as a ghost, that watching someone’s life fall apart as they sob in an empty house isn’t fun.

The worst thing, Ben thinks, about being a ghost is the emptiness of life. Not that it’s really a life, rather just some vague feeling of consciousness. Any plans, any purpose he ever had for life faded away the moment he died.

He follows his brother around, hoping to be able to see some outline of life but there’s nothing. Instead, Klaus lives less of a life than Ben. Unconscious in a bathtub. Bleeding out on the street. Letting the world spin by him while he stays stationary.

Some days are good. Some days Klaus talks to him, attempts to hold a conversation about Ben’s favourite book, or stupid things they did when they were kids, or he spends entire nights raging about Reginald. On the best days, Klaus calls Vanya and sets the phone on the table so Ben can listen in. the conversations are painful, stilted and awkward. They don’t talk about Vanya’s life, or what Klaus is doing, or the academy. They just exchange pleasantries and discuss the weather. Ben doesn’t care. 

Some days are awful. On those days Klaus doesn’t talk to him at all, bar a few hurling insults he throws Ben’s way when he treads too close to the line. Those days are silent, and dizzying and Klaus spends most of them laying on the floor, or catching hypothermia on a street corner or playing with the broken glass of a gin bottle. Those days seem to last forever, but Ben can’t make himself leave. He feels an odd sort of duty to his brother, a responsibility even though he can’t do anything. Its excruciating.

It feels like decades since he last saw his siblings, but Ben knows realistically that it’s probably only been three years- four at most. He doesn’t bring them up to Klaus often, because bringing them up is enough to cause a spiral into a Very Bad Day. As far as he knows from skimming newspapers, Luther is still at the academy. Ben doesn’t like to think how he’d still be there too, if he hadn’t met an unfortunate end. 

Diego is harder to track down. Whispers on the street corners talk of a masked vigilante, and the only person Ben knows dumb enough to make that a career is the academy’s Number Two. If Ben could reach out to anyone, it’d be Diego- the bright boy with his future mapped out, setting off for college when he left the academy. The last solid news Ben heard was that he joined the police force. He wonders what happened.

He doesn’t have to wonder with Allison, her face is plastered all over New York. When Klaus saw the posters he ran around the city cheering and toasting, shouting “that’s my sister!” to anyone that would listen. That was the happiest Ben felt in years. Three hours later Klaus was throwing up in a tube station and crying to Allison on the phone about how she left him behind and “why couldn’t you take me with you Allie? Why can’t I be rich and likable too?” Ben’s pretty sure she’s blocked his number now.

He barely thinks about Five anymore, which is scary really. Sometimes Ben traipses back to the Academy just to look at his face and remind himself of what his eternally youngest brother looks like. It’s odd, he thinks, to not even grieve someone you used to know so well. He wonders if his siblings will think that of him some day. 

And then there’s Vanya. Four year later and Ben still can’t face seeing her. He misses her more than anything, wishes he could confide in her how much he hates this Not-Dead death thing he seems to have going on. Sometimes, he forces himself to walk over to where she lives. Sometimes he hears the sound of a bittersweet violin reverberating through the street. Sometimes he hears nothing but silence. 

Every single time he turns and leaves.

The day the invite comes is exactly like every other day for Ben. He and Klaus are staying in a crappy hole of a motel, using the last scrap on money Klaus earned for doing odd jobs. It’s just past one in the afternoon, and Klaus has just begun breakfast. Ben is sat on the chest of drawers, watching, observing, as always.

Klaus is half-way through a mouthful of leftover pizza when a letter lodges itself through the thin letterbox and plants itself on the layer of grime on the floor. Klaus looks to him, but Ben just raises an eyebrow.

“I’m dead, Klaus. I don’t get mail.”

Klaus rolls his eyes and gets off the bed to retrieve the letter, pinching it between his thumb and forefinger. He inspects the envelope.

“To Mr Klaus Hargreeves. Ooh, its fancy. Must be from Allison. Or dad, but I don’t think he’s the type to send me a letter. Maybe he misses me!”

Ben ignores that, and hops off the drawers. “Can’t be from them. It’s got to be someone who knows you’re staying here.”

Klaus frowns, then rips open the letter haphazardly. Ben sighs, mutters “Don’t rip the letter, Jesus Christ Klaus” and takes a step forward.

His brother just bats him away like a moth, scanning the letter, before triumphantly declaring, “I was right! It is from Allison! Wait, how does she know where I am?”

“Maybe she put a tracker in you.”

“Haha, very funny.”

“Well,” Ben prompts, trying to see the letter over Klaus’ shoulder, “What does it say?”

Klaus shakes his head, reaching for the bin, letter already crumpled in his hand. 

“Klaus?” Ben frowns and reaches out uselessly.

Klaus shoves the letter in the bin, turning back to his pizza. “It’s nothing,” he mumbles through the slice in his mouth, “just an invite.”

“To what?”

“Her wedding.”

Ben stares at him, brain still five paces behind his mouth. “Allison… our Allison, Allie? Is getting married?”

“What does it matter? It’s not like we’re gonna go.” Klaus shrugs and throws the pizza crust into the bin, cheering like he hit a bullseye.

Ben just presses on, determinedly. “What? Klaus, we have to go. That’s our sister. You have to go.”

“It’s not like she actually wants us there.” Klaus laughs but there’s no humour in his tone, eyes dead. He swipes his jacket from the hook and pulls it on.

“Of course she does. She tracked you down and sent you an invite, if I know Allison she wouldn’t do that if she didn’t want you there. She’d just tell you she didn’t want you there.” Ben follows him, narrowing his eyes and staring, a thin veil of pleading hiding just behind his controlled exterior. Klaus brushes him off, shaking his head before patting his pockets distractedly.

 

“Come on Ben, open your eyes. It’s just some phoney shit so she can play happy families for the media. Look it’s the umbrella academy, back together again, they must truly love each other. its bullshit.”

“Can you come down to earth for one second and realise that maybe she does want you there?” his voices rises slightly and Klaus actually stops in his tracks.

“Oh yeah, because I’m such a hoot at a party. ‘Hey Allison, hey Mr Allison, hello press of the world! Its former child prodigy Klaus Hargreeves here to show how truly messed up child stars can become! Also Allison I’m so sorry about that time I called you begging for money that was so bad of me how could I ever expect my sister to try and help me out. Anyway congrats all!’”

“You’re such an asshole.” Ben spits it, anger vibrating his whole body. He can’t remember feeling this much in so long and it’s exhilarating.

Klaus just bows mockingly and returns a biting, “Thank you” before throwing open the door and leaving.

“I don’t care what you wanna do. I’m going anyway!” Ben shouts after him. Klaus returns the favour with a finger before the door slam shut.

Ben sits for a while in the silence of the room, breathless. The feelings hit him in full force and now he feels drained and alive at the same time. He fishes the invite out of the bin and tries to understand the cursive long enough to make out a date. April 30th. 2011. Three days from now.

He can’t stand to be in the motel room a second longer, so he abandons the invite on the bed and leaves. He doesn’t need in anyway. The date is now imprinted on his mind, a certainty in the mess that is the afterlife. He has a destination, a future, no matter how temporary.

For the first time since his final death, Ben Hargreeves has a plan and a purpose. And it’s going to make a difference.

The wedding is set to take place on the outskirts of the city, so Ben begins to hitch lifts. He sits, a silent guest in the back of different cars, riding as far as he can before they begin to veer off course. He witnesses a fight between a newlywed couple, countless family sing a longs but his favourite ride is with an old lady. She has a rosary on her dashboard and half way through the journey she looks in the mirror and informs him that she knows there’s a spirit back there and that she’ll take him as far as he needs to go. If he felt anything other than numbness, Ben would’ve cried at that.

He arrived at the venue the morning of the wedding. To busy himself he explored the building, a giant twelve bed mansion and scoured the grounds. It’s like a castle, Ben decides. A castle fit for a princess. 

Staff starts to arrive at about ten and Ben watches them scurry back and forth from his perch by the front door. They haul flowers and chairs and equipment Ben couldn’t even name. The food arrives shortly after and it takes seven men to carry the cake in alone.

“Allison never was one to do things by halves,” Ben muses to himself, giddily.

Security arrive at twelve and they begin to construct a barrier and ticketing system for when the guests and the press arrive in their droves. That happens at One. Just after Allison arrives.

She’s already half-ready, her hair styles up into some sort of braid bun and her make up setting on her face. Her smile is tight and Ben knows that look in her eyes, the look that somethings going wrong. He doesn’t even have to see her lips moving to know what she’s saying to the startled caterer.

And then she bustles past him, words streaming from her mouth, orders flying everywhere. Ben watches her go, wishing he could follow, soothe her worry and her doubt.

Instead he waits outside, searching the crowd of guests arriving for his siblings. He sees faces he recognises, but only from a distance, from tv and film and times square billboards. No faces he grew up with scattered among the crowds.

He counts the siblings off on his fingers: Five is gone and Klaus refused to come. That’s two down. Allison and Vanya never really were close and Ben is pretty sure they ended on bad terms. That’s three. Allison was the first of the academy to actually leave their ranks and Diego always had a thing for loyalty. And Luther, still stuck in those empty halls. Five siblings who won’t attend.

Which just leaves Ben. Who is unreachable.

He spends the rest of the time before the service scanning the rooms for Allison. He finds her on the third floor, the door slightly ajar revealing his big sister, in her wedding dress, staring down her reflection in a mirror. Ben slips in and smiles softly. Sadly.

“You look beautiful Allison,” he whispers gently. She can’t hear him, he knows this, but even still her shoulders seem to lift slightly and the briefest flicker of a smile plays at her face. Just as soon as it came it fades and Allison lets out a hitching sob.

Ben steps closer, wishing he could wrap her up in his arms and take care of her, just like she did for him when they were kids. Wipe away her tears and tell her it’s going to be okay. Like she did for him when he broke a glass or injured himself in training.

A woman wearing a headset and clutching a clipboard slips into the room, squeaking, “Miss Hargreeves?”

Allison doesn’t move, doesn’t reaction. Silence falls over the room for a few seconds before, Allison questions the woman. “Are they here? My brothers? Vanya?”

“Uh, no Miss Hargreeves, I don’t think so-”

“What about my father? Did he come?”

The woman simply says, “I’m sorry Miss Hargreeves. We really do need to start now, the press are getting quiet anxious.”

A moments silence.

Then Allison scrubs at her eyes with the back of her hands, plasters a Hollywood smile to her face and turns around.

“I heard a rumour that you forgot everything that just happened.”

She doesn’t even flinch when she uses her power. It scares Ben, just a little bit.

He follows Allison down the stairs, all the way into the hall, wishing he could be the one to walk her down the aisle, to give her away like she always wanted dad to do when she talked of her dream wedding.

Instead, Ben hovers at the back, feeling out of place and yet still so invisible in the crowds of press snapping pictures of Allison as she parades herself before grabbing onto her fiancés hands like he is a lifeline to her- a safety net.

The service is nearly over when Ben sense a body next to his. He glances next to him to see Klaus, clutching a thin champagne flute, his knuckles white.

“Glad you could make it,” Ben mutters dryly, turning his attention back to Allison, dazzling the crowd of people like only she ever could.

“Well I was in the area,” Klaus returns but his voice is weak and Ben knows that he must’ve hitched a ride here too.

“I’m glad you’re here. For Allison. She needs family today.” Ben murmurs, staring straight ahead.

Klaus just nods, watches Allison, then lowers his voice and turns to Ben.

“She doesn’t need any more family. Not really. She’s got all the family she needs with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I've explored Vanya & Ben in a lot of depth but I really wanted to focus on Allison & Ben a little more so I decided o write my interpretation of her wedding. If you've read the first fic in this series (and we just keep meeting each other like this) then you'll know that I see Allison as Ben's guide and mothering voice a lot of the time, and she saw him a lot as a little brother. I wanted to look into that in more detail and without much plot so here you go.
> 
> Also if you haven't read my first fic go and do that!! It's really he main body of this story, these are just the inspired little add-ons!!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [wedding bells (are ringing for you)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18470083) by [eggosandxmen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggosandxmen/pseuds/eggosandxmen)




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